Is Family Therapy Essential in Addiction Treatment?

Family dynamics are organized around the substance abuser, who acts like a tyrant, denying that drinking or using is a problem while issuing orders and blaming everyone else. To cope and avoid confrontations, typically, family members tacitly agree to act as if everything is normal, not make waves, and not mention addiction.

Children of alcoholics tend to carry the trauma of their childhood well into their adult lives, which end up messing with their minds. Children of addicted parents and alcoholics might look fine from the outside, but only they know about the storm that keeps on raging inside them.

Living with an alcoholics can feel like living in a war zone. The addict’s personality changes caused by addiction create chaos.

In families with addiction, parenting is unreliable, inconsistent, and unpredictable. There never is a sense of safety and consistency, allowing children to thrive.

The majority suffer emotional, if not physical abuse, and thus carry issues of trust and anger about their past, sometimes directed at the sober parent, as well. In some cases, the sober parent is so stressed that he or she is more impatient, controlling, and irritable than the alcoholic, who may have withdrawn from family life.

The children may blame the sober parent for neglecting their needs or not protecting them from abuse or unfair decrees issued by the alcoholic. In high-conflict couples, both parents are emotionally unavailable.

Children’s needs and feelings get ignored. They may be too embarrassed to entertain friends and suffer from shame, guilt, and loneliness. Many learn to become self-reliant and needless to avoid anyone having power over them again.

Because an addict’s behaviour is erratic and unpredictable, the vulnerability and authenticity required for intimate relationships are considered too risky.

Children live in continuous fear and learn to be on guard for signs of danger, creating constant anxiety well into adulthood. Many become hyper-vigilant and distrustful and learn to contain and deny their emotions, which are generally shamed or denied by parents.

In the extreme, they may be so detached that they’re numb to their feelings. The environment and these effects are how co-dependency is passed on – even by children of addicts who aren’t addicts themselves.

Co-dependency is an emotional, psychological and behavioural condition that develops as a result of an individuals prolonged exposure to a set of oppressive rules.

A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behaviour affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behaviour.

Is Codependency an illness? Some professionals say codependency isn’t a disease, others say that it is, with codependents wanting and needing sick people around them to be happy in an unhealthy way.

Therefore, it is imperative that families receive treatment, in order for them to learn how to best deal with the addict in their lives.

Notice your own behaviour.

Try a quick gut check. Do any of these behaviours sound familiar?

• Playing detective and trying to find where your loved one is hiding alcohol or other drugs
• Constantly checking up on your loved one
• Putting off plans with friends or family because you’re not sure what condition your loved one will be in
• Making excuses for your loved one’s behaviour or absence

With the best of intentions, families tend to cope with the fear and chaos of addiction by keeping secrets, finding scapegoats, and adopting other unhealthy behaviours: preoccupation, denial, enabling or blaming.

Stay detached, but with love.

When facing a loved one’s addiction, remember this: You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. You can address the issue of alcohol or other drug addiction with your loved one, but any behaviour change is up to them.

Family support groups are available with in-person and phone or virtual options. Maybe people are nervous before attending their first meeting, but simply expect to be understood and able to learn from other families.

• Co-Dependents Anonymous – Ideal for those with deep-seeded enabling issues, most commonly spouses. Weekly meetings are 12-step
• Adult Children of Alcoholics – Ideal for adult children (18+) dealing with alcohol. Meetings use a version of the 12-steps.
• Al-Ateen – Ideal for teens dealing with a parent or sibling with addiction. Meetings are 12-step based, catered to the 13-18 age demographic and guided by an Al-Anon certified adult.
• Al-Anon – Ideal for anyone dealing specifically with alcohol. Meetings are 12-step based and the most readily available, even in remote areas.
• Nar-Anon – Ideal for anyone dealing specifically with drugs (not alcohol). Meetings are 12-step based and the most readily available, even in remote areas. 

Stories of Recovery

• The encouragement, love and support from the team at Crossroads allowed me to eventually see that I was worth something - that my life could be turned around and that I could accomplish the things that had long been a forgotten dream.
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• On the last day of my stint at Crossroads I could only express gratitude towards all who works there. A wise councillor once commented on my question when one is ready for rehab by explaining that when one is ready for rehab, rehab is ready for you.
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• I was lost and my soul was broken until I ended up at Crossroads and was introduced to the Twelve Steps. With the help of their excellent staff and amazing support I have recently been clean for 18 months, I could not have done it without them!
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• "Just for today I am more than three years in recovery. I have Cross Roads to thank for this wonderful gift. Cross Roads helped me to set a firm foundation in my recovery on which I can continue to build."
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