I came to Crossroads Recovery Centre at the age of 37. I had used a variety of drugs, but crystal meth had brought me to my knees and I was at a stage in my life where I was ready to give up all hope. I had lost friends, a loving wife, an inheritance from my father…… I had really made a mess of things and was wishing my life away. I needed help. Unwillingly I booked into Crossroads. The strict routine made things tough for the first few weeks and I found myself plotting a way out. The daily sessions of step work and early morning wake up calls were excruciating at first. However, it soon became clear to me that the “regime” was necessary and I started feeling normal again. What at first seemed like a tyrannical plot to bring me down, soon proved to have had my interests at the heart. I could feel the care of those that were looking after me. I developed an understanding of my affliction and the many sessions of therapy helped me work through emotional and psychological issues, many of which I had held on to from childhood. In the end, it was difficult to finally leave the centre as I had made so many deep connections and wasn’t ready to let go of them. But the past 3 months had readied me to go back into the world and face the joys of life once again. The encouragement, love and support from the team at Crossroads allowed me to eventually see that I was worth something – that my life could be turned around and that I could accomplish the things that had long been a forgotten dream. I was also introduced to the NA 12-step programme which has allowed me to maintain my sobriety and manage my new life. 5 years later I am now a qualified teacher, waiting to take up my first post early next year. I have accomplished what seemed to be an impossibility and I must say that I have Crossroads to thank. I have amazing friends and live a fun-filled active life with a great sense of community and love for the world around me. The team at Crossroads nurtured me back to life and provided me with new tools in order to live “life on life’s terms”. For this, I will be eternally grateful. Whenever returning to Pretoria, I will always pop in to say hi to the loving and caring people that I now consider family at Crossroads Recovery Centre.
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On the last day of my stint at Crossroads I could only express gratitude towards all who works there. It is a labour of love and I have an immense respect for their work. This was a total contrast to me arriving there all broken and unable to sign myself in as I shook too much. There was a sense of being humiliated which transferred into a sense of gratitude and humility over such a short stint. A wise councillor once commented on my question when one is ready for rehab by explaining that when one is ready for rehab, rehab is ready for you.
It is indeed an honest experience which I now after nearly 2 years in recovery still apply in life. Life now happens as it should and I do not have to run from it by using alcohol or any other substance. It being a medical facility, it also helped me to understand that I have to look after myself. This was not true a couple of months before as I could not walk 2 stairs without being tired, I was bloated and have written off my Mercedes, but still I denied I had a problem.
On the day of checking in, my wife dropped me off and I think in a sense she was very relieved to be rid of my self pity and inconsiderate behaviour where I often drove around with my children in a state of intoxication. Being well qualified and having had a very good job, does not however distinguish me from any other human and for that matter any other addict. I humbly came to know my defects and still do, with the difference that I now know of it and can live with it. To be able to get there I had to open myself up for change and that change for me came in a strange way. It was a spiritual change which resulted in a change in certain traits of my personality. I got to know people from all walks of life, really started to embrace each session in the program. It soon became evident that the more I become honest with myself, the more freeing the program became. I was amazed that we were kept busy from early morning until 22h30 with lights out. At Crossroads I became a human again and can now live amongst all people with peace in my heart and truly live life!
My drinking developed gradually and it often consisted of weekend stints under the auspice of watching rugby or braaiing or the like social activity. It was however nice and I felt in control, but over time it became evening drinking during the week as well and finally developed into full blown 24 hours a day drinking with some sleep in between. I now only realise that I hurt my body so much that it will probably take another 2 – 3 years to heal properly and some things may never heal. That I have accepted as well and it is indeed a consequence of my actions……I can blame nobody for picking up the next drink!
After a 9 month stint being kicked out of the house I pledged sobriety and even stopped for 18 months, which I later found out is “white Knuckling” – I was a sober drunk! It never occurred to me that I lived a life of insanity and when it was shown to me by working the program in Crossroads, I only woke up to that fact and wanted to know more about this new found life, which includes sobriety. It was afforded me in slow chewable chunks and finally I found a solution which was so simple and obvious, but which I never saw.
In Crossroads the councilors did not take any of my manipulative ways and soon I understood that with them it is different. See they understand me and know what I have to go through to get to an ongoing road of recovery. It meant being focused and remain honest with myself and my fellow human beings. Recovery training never stops as even in time of social interaction denial becomes obvious to the fellow patients and we also get opportunity to help each other by staying honest. This meant that I had to understand that although my personality wants to joke around the whole time, it also meant that I needed to understand how I can joke around without hurting people.
In leaving I had new found structure, but to keep it I need to work it and thus still attend at least 4 meetings a week to check in with other addicts like me. What is so amazing is that none of us judge one another although we are sad when someone relapses. The amazing part of this is that when someone relapses, he/she is welcomed back in the program with immediate effect. I now understand that I have a lifelong solution!
So when I was asked to write this short reading on my road, I handed it over to God and got direction and started to write…..you see, where I and many others were it is easy to tell all the bad stories and the facts on losing family, friends, cars, jobs and all self respect. It sometime becomes boastful and I can now see it. All it really was, was my self pity and selfishness and inconsiderate life. It was never the other people or my circumstances or anything else that led me to drinking…….it was ME who drank and I am ever grateful for Crossroads and it’s dedicated loving people who assisted in showing me the way. I will forever be grateful…….
Kind Regards
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I was lost and my soul was broken until I ended up at Crossroads and was introduced to the Twelve Steps. I was in active addiction for 13 years and saw no way out. I was referred to Crossroad Recovery Centre and my life finally began. With the help of their excellent staff and amazing support I have recently been clean for 18 months, I could not have done it without them!
Thanks for asking me, it’s really amazing to be part of something so great.
Take care
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Just for today I am more than three years in recovery. Not only from substance abuse but also in being a functional member of society and having the gift of a second chance to celebrate life. I have Cross Roads to thank for this wonderful gift. Cross Roads helped me to set a firm foundation in my recovery on which I can continue to build.
For more than 3 years I tried to stop abusing drugs, alcohol and prescription medication on my own but with no success. The end result was always the same. I would start using substances again. Eventually I experienced my rock bottom. I was admitted at Cross Roads and this is where my journey started to change. Off course I was afraid to go to treatment because who would take care of my family while I was gone. I must admit that it shocked me to see that the world does not revolve around me and that everybody was able to continue with their daily lives without me trying to control everything. This however was exactly what I needed to develop a relationship with the God of my understanding because I had to learn how to trust and have faith that everything and everyone was going to be okay. With the guidance of the counselors at Cross Roads I learnt how to look at myself, my actions, how I have harmed my loved ones and how I have harmed myself in active addiction. I was able to start working through this process in an environment where people understand the disease of addiction. Even though I knew about the 12 step fellowship, I only had the knowledge, I did not apply this knowledge in my everyday life. In Cross Roads I learnt how to apply the tools of recovery in my life. By doing this I developed love and respect for myself and a relationship with the God of my understanding.
Since I have been out of treatment I continued to apply what I have learnt in my daily life. By doing this I have learnt what it is to be a loving mother, friend, sister, daughter and employee. I am learning how to love and respect myself and how to take responsibility for my actions and by doing so I learn how to love and respect others.
Another chance at experiencing life without being dependent on substances is truly the most amazing gift. And I thank Cross Roads for helping me.
Angelique J
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